Next time you’re making pasta, Cosmopolitan magazine  suggests you do it topless,  drip some marinara on your nipple and invite your partner to lick it off. Mamma mia!

“Press a fork (firmly—but don’t break the skin) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs,” Cosmo suggests. Because there’s nothing sexier than getting pricked by a kitchen utensil  in your semi-erogenous zones.

“A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her,” Ruth Smythers, the wife of a Methodist reverend wrote in her now-infamous 1894 book  Sex Tips for Husbands & Wives.  “Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness,” Smythers insisted.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has a lot of wild recs, such as eating  “sex bark,”  a dark chocolate treat that packs three teaspoons of a supplement called “Sex Dust” and is said to be “perfect for a sweet bite after a romantic dinner.” One of the site’s most extravagant suggestions? A made-to-order $15,000,  24-karat gold vibrator  that promises “everyday magic.” Magic, indeed.

If you want to dip your toe into bondage without using actual restraints, just  wrap the other person in a sheet  so their arms are immobilized, Men’s Health suggests. So…mummy sex? Sounds scary.

Popular sex blogger and YouTuber Auntie Angel—aka “The Grapefruit Lady”—swears by this  potentially painful procedure  (NSFW): Just slice the top third and bottom third off of a grapefruit, leaving a circular slice a couple inches wide. Next, roll the fruit on a flat surface to soften it up and cut a hole in the middle big enough to accommodate your male lover’s member. (“Do not make it too big, do not make it too tight,” Auntie Angel cautions helpfully.) Then, ahem, blindfold your partner and slide the fruit up and down his penis. Sting much?

“To spank a penis, hold the shaft in one hand and slap with the other,” writes self-styled feminist pornographer and sex educator Tristan Taormino in her book  50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM. Cosmo PH, the Philippines edition of the famously sex-focused magazine  takes this slap move even further :  “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other. You can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.” Sure, sounds fun. Pinch.

You may have heard this one before, but it’s so ridiculous it bears repeating: Back in 2014, a Cosmopolitan writer  recounted that one time  that she casually slipped a miniature donut onto her partner’s penis like a “little hat” and proceeded to snack away. She said he “freaking loved it,” and added, “I definitely recommend this.” We don’t.

Another Cosmo classic: Slick on some warming lube, then beg your partner to  place coins that you’ve previously placed in the freezer  on your pubis. Apparently the hot-and-cold contrast will feel nice? It’s also a great way to freshen up your change-counting skills—and introduce lots of new bacteria to your private parts.

Another hot Men’s Health tip: Take a sip of champagne, then go down on her and  “swirl the bubbles around her clitoris.”  Our follow-up tip? Down the rest of the bottle, so you can forget that ever happened.

Give him the ol’ razzle-dazzle by  gluing rhinestones around your nipples  “for a special night in,” suggests Cosmo. After all, (fake) diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

“Have your partner lube up his junk,”  suggests Cosmo,  then get into a modified 69 with him on top but with his penis “nestled in your armpit instead of your mouth.” Hey, if people with penises will stick their members in a pie, who’s to say they won’t happily copulate with an armpit?

“Next time you have a friend over and your partner comes home, shove the friend in the nearest closet then get it on. It'll be just like every other time except for the fact that someone is secretly there watching you,” Cosmo recommended back in 2014. Sure, that was a few years before the #MeToo movement started in earnest, but still— this sounds a little too much like a sex crime.

Sure, it can be sexy to leave a piece of clothing or lingerie on while you’re getting busy. But 1890’s sex-tip maven Ruth Smythers took it a little too far: “Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.” No wonder brothels were such big business in the late 19th century.

Cut a small hole in the tip of a banana,  scoop “the majority of the fruit out”  and use the peel as a masturbation sleeve, recommends Elite Daily. “For extra sensation, try heating it up,” they add. Doesn’t seem like the best way of fulfilling your daily potassium intake.

Now that the ‘90s are back, it’s the perfect time to  slip a scrunchie on your male partner  for a DIY penis ring. Cosmo admits “it will look kind of hilarious, which is a perk for you.” Unfortunately, your scrunchie will be ruined.

Cosmo suggests  smothering your man’s face in it, then kissing and licking it off of him. The B vitamins in beer can benefit his hair and skin, but we’re not so sure about using the brew as an aphrodisiac.

“Direct a fan at her, then pour peppermint schnapps into her belly button, dip your fingers and tongue, and trace her body,” Men’s Health  suggests.  At least the alcohol will kill the  thousands of different bacteria  living in her belly button.

Here’s one way to remake Grandma’s classic recipe. Lie down on a table and place two cookies on your breasts—then  let him eat them off of you  while he enters you in a standing position. Nana would be so proud!

Download a vibrating app on your phone so “you can put your phone on a really high vibrate. Then let the moans you make become your new ringtone,” sexpert/wrestler Lola Jean  told Elite Daily. Maybe she doesn’t know that her cell phone is  ten times dirtier  than a public toilet seat?

If you want to make your man fall in love with you, it’s easy, apparently:  Just serve him up a grilled cheese  or a plate of milk and cookies after sex. Glamour dished out this matronly advice back in 2015, then apologized and rescinded the article just a few days later.

Of course your partner’s smell can be intoxicating—but that doesn’t mean we want to  rub our cheeks in his pubes  to get his scent on us, Cosmo.

One way to quickly alienate all of your friends is by  “slowly and firmly flick[ing] your tongue against the palm of her hand” in public. According to Men’s Health, you’ll know you’ve blown it “if she just wipes it off down her skirt.” Or if everyone around you starts backing away slowly.

Using an electric toothbrush to brush your teeth? Tired. Making your partner  run an electric toothbrush between your toes  in the middle of foreplay? Wired.

“Get him to  wrap your wrist and ankles in toilet paper  for a light restraint. While you are bound, he should tease you to the point where you’re so turned on, you have to rip free of your shackles,” suggests Cosmo. Which shouldn’t be too hard given the fact that it’s toilet paper.

Don’t lie: we’ve all heard of using a hairbrush handle as a dildo. What we haven’t heard, though, is  stroking our partner from head to toe with a hairbrush,  which is what Cosmo recommends doing to get “every square inch of his skin excited.”

…and  use your chip clip as a nipple clamp.  Unlike  real nipple clamps,  chip clips aren’t adjustable, so you can’t control the level of pinch. Ow.

Most people would celebrate World Nutella Day by eating lots of the delicious chocolate hazelnut spread (or, you know, not doing anything at all). But the good people at Metro UK recommend four different kinds of Nutella sex, from  drizzling the warmed goo on a partner’s penis  to getting artistic and using it as an edible body paint. At least you’d both smell amazing afterward.

Where exactly do we find  edible body paint,  Cosmo? And what kind of gigantic tub do we need to fill up so we can get properly dipped? Anxiously awaiting your reply!

Your fave statement necklace  also makes a beautiful loincloth  to highlight your wares, according to this vintage Cosmo article.

To really spice things up,  Cosmo suggests  sprinkling black pepper underneath your partner’s nose  to make them sneeze and intensify their orgasm.

“The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva generally is a magnificent erotic instrument,” Alex Comfort wrote in the 1972 classic, The Joy of Sex. We’re literally clenching our legs together in fear.

“Feed each other ice cream in the dark,”  Cosmo suggests. “Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.” Don’t you just love curling up in a sticky puddle of melted ice cream at night? Talk about sleeping in the wet spot.

Then defile them by smothering them in lube and gently stroking them up and down your partner’s penis, suggests Cosmo. According to the tester’s boyfriend, “this feels like some weird spa ritual.”

World Nutella Day advice just for the fellas: Jam your penis into a jar of the chocolate spread,  “then present it to your lady.” According to Men’s Health, it’s the only guaranteed way to get a blowjob.

The first time BroBible writer Eric Armas was “happy to have a girlfriend” was when she blew bubbles on his balls in a bowl of warm water.  Aw, what a sweetheart. He called it a “ballcuzi,” and assured his fellow bros that the act “absolutely dominates all forms of jacuzzis and hot tubs.”

The quickest way to a yeast infection? Putting pop rocks in your mouth and going down on your female partner.  The tingling sensation is supposed to feel nice, but the resulting itchiness from the sugary candy—not so much.

Men’s Health once suggested that their male readers encourage their girlfriends—because it’s better for her pleasure. “With the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened,”  they claimed. Sure, guys.

First, buy a half-inch camel hair paintbrush,  suggests <em<Men’s Health. Then dip it in chocolate sauce. Then paint numbers all over her body, and lick them off in order. It’s really important to make sure the paintbrush is half an inch long and made from genuine camel hair, otherwise the entire “sexy” evening will be ruined.

Apparently, a real man once told Cosmo that he goes wild when a woman makes two fists around his penis, then twists them in opposite directions as fast as she can. That sounds more like how we used to torture our siblings’ arms.